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St. Albans Abbey

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Humour? - or is it humor?

I've heard all the following at different times, and include them here with apologies:

"I'm not poor, I just don't have any money".

"Every time I stand up to speak, some fool begins to talk".

"All my speeches have a happy ending - everyone’s glad when they’re over".

"I wander from the point", said the missionary as he dodged the spear.

*** A Bishop, a Cardinal and a Rabbi, none of whom could swim, were in a rowing boat some distance from the shore when they lost the oars. They debated the problem for some time. At last the bishop crossed himself, stepped over the side of the boat, and walked across the water to the shore. The Cardinal, after some thought, also crossed himself, stepped over the side of the boat, and walked across the water to the shore. The Rabbi thought about it for a bit, then he, too, stepped over the side of the boat, - and sadly, drowned!

The Cardinal turned to the Bishop and said, "I feel bad about this, perhaps we should have told him about the stepping stones!

....... ("What stepping stones?", asked the bishop).

*** An American came to England to research his ancestry, and was helped by the Vicar of a church. In gratitude he made a very generous donation to the roof fund. A thanksgiving service was held when the work was done, to which he was invited, but he could not attend and asked for a recorded tape of the service. The vicar later received a very angry letter from the American about his reference in his address to the goodness of God and the "succour" from America.

*** On a flight from America, the Captain came on the speakers, "Sorry, engine 1 has failed, - we'll be 20 minutes late". A little while later he came on again, "Engine 2 has failed, - we'll now be 1 hour late". And again, later, "No. 3 engine has cut, we'll now be two hours late". A voice from the back spoke up, "Let's hope no more fail or we'll be up here all night!".

*** On a cruise, one entertainer was a magician who used a parrot in his act to tell where things had gone when he made them disappear. Sadly the ship sprang a leak one night and sank, and the magician found himself alone in a lifeboat except for his parrot. For 3 days and nights the parrot sat looking out over the sea without moving. Finally, it turned to the magician, "Alright, I give up, where did you put the ship?".

*** The old vicar was about to baptise the baby. "What is the name of this child?", he asked the timid mother. "Lucy, Sir", she bobbed a curtsy. "Lucifer!", thundered the old priest, "I'll not baptise anyone Lucifer!". He dipped his finger in the water and signed the baby, "I baptise you JOHN!".